Nurture Mental Kindness

What follows is another "lesson" in Dan Saferstein's pamphlet about sports parenting entitled "Win or Lose - A Guide to Sports Parenting."

Dr. Saferstein says, "I wrote it with two assumptions:

1. parents love their children;
2. parents don't always love their children in ways that are helpful to them.

We sometimes make mistakes in the stands or in the car ride home, just as our children make mistakes on the field."

It is a myth that punishing yourself will make you a better athlete. Mental toughness has nothing to do with being tough on yourself. It has to do with being completely immersed in the competitive moment, which is hard for a young athlete to do if she's afraid of losing, or has coaches or parents who are afraid of losing.

The most successful athletes can calmly look defeat in the eye, the way a Buddhist monk can look Death in the eye. I don't agree with Vince Lombardi's quote, "Defeat is worse than death, because you have to live with defeat."

Young athletes will have an easier time forgiving themselves if they come to accept that victory and defeat are just different sides of the same coin. Both sides are equally valuable. I tell my own children, "Don't play competitive sports if you're not willing to have your heart broken."

The good news is that mental kindness might be able to facilitate this healing process with an accepting smile or pat on the back. You often don't have to say much to your kids after a game. They can usually tell what you're feeling just by looking at you.

Dan's books can be purchased by contacting him at dansaferstein@earthlink.net. Quantity discounts are available for youth sports organizations.